Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 12

Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.

They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.