Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 12

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Your body just said no to pie. It’s not going to say yes to puke.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

I’ll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.