Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 12

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

If you support the second amendment, then let me exercise my support of our first amendment: you’re a fucking idiot. Do you even know what the third amendment is? The right to kick soldiers out of your house when the Revolutionary War is over.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.