Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 12
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"
If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.
Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.
One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.
The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.
If you support the second amendment, then let me exercise my support of our first amendment: you’re a fucking idiot. Do you even know what the third amendment is? The right to kick soldiers out of your house when the Revolutionary War is over.