Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 13

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me…

Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I can say that. I have a television show.