Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 13
Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.
You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.