Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 13
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.
I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.