Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 13
They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'
Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.
My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.
I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.