Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 16

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I hate you Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend. She’ll look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits “A.” It’s like, “Asian Ass Porn” instantly. Google’s like, “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up. Any time you hit A it’s ‘Asian Ass Porn.’” Google, all I ask is you let her type three letters before you come to such a bold conclusion.

Girls in Los Angeles like to say, “I’m not relgious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”