Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.