Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.