Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, "Now I do four cities in one week" and they tour nonstop. I'm like, "No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month." But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.