Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 6

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.

I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.