Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 6

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?