Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 6

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.