Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.