Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.

Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.