Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 7

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.

I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.