Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 8
Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.
I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got - one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now - wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over - there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.'
Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'Fuck that.'
I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Yes you can tell how good a guy is on bed by the way he dances. If a guy is excellent at dancing he’s also probably really great at having sex… with men… having anal sex.
Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.
When you’re in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It’s like diarrhea for your heart.