Quotes & Jokes by Dave Chappelle / page 2
Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'
The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.
I was on vacation at Disney World, and everybody kept coming up to me and saying 'Hey, I'm Rick James, bitch.' I was like, 'Could you not call me a bitch in front of my kids?'
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
I look at it like that word, 'nigger', used to be a word of oppression. But that when I say it, it feels more like an act of freedom. For me to be able to say that unapologetically on television.
If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.
My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'
All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"
I turned on Sesame Street. And I was, like: "Oh, good. Sesame Street. This is much better cause now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people. And label people. That's right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he, kids?" "Yeah. Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's, like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street. Nobody's help in' me." Now you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people, "Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch." So don't even tell me how to get to Sesame Street, that is a terrible place. I wouldn't go there if I knew the way.