Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 5
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.