Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 5
It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.
They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.