Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 5
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.
They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.