Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 6
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.