Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 8

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

You have a three year foundation for your... your... intimacy.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.