Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 7
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.