Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 7
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.
We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.
A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.