Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 7
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.