Quotes & Jokes by David Spade / page 5

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

Last girl I went out blew me off, gave me the Heisman. Straight arm, knee up. Boom. Now I call her with lame excuses. Hey did I leave a penny over there? Maybe I'll swing by late night. Late night.

I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.