Quotes & Jokes by David Spade / page 6

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, “Hey, did I leave a penny over there?”

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

It's hard to have a career.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

It's funny because it's funny.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.