Quotes & Jokes by David Spade / page 6

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, “Hey, did I leave a penny over there?”

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

It's hard to have a career.

It's funny because it's funny.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.