Quotes & Jokes by David Spade / page 6

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, “Hey, did I leave a penny over there?”

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

It's hard to have a career.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.