Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 12

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"

P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.

"Finger Puppet" sounds OK as a noun.

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".