Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 12
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.