Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 13

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.

When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."

I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."

I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.