Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."
I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.