Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.