Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 15
Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.