Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 16

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.