Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 16

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.