Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 16

I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".