Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 17

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"