Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 17

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.