Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 18
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.
It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.