Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 18
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"
This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.
If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.