Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 18
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.