Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 19

If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.