Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 19
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.
Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.