Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 20
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.