Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 20
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.