Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 20

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Canoe plus waterfall equals "I don't go camping anymore".

"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.

I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.