Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.