Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's gonna fuck you up at midnight.' 'Honey, what is this? Did you anger a small Irish man?'
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.