Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.