Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.