Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.