Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.