Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.