Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.