Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.