Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I love Steven Wright.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.