Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.