Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.
I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.