Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...