Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.