Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?