Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.