Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.