Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.