Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.