Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.