Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

I love Steven Wright.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.