Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.