Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.