Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.