Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."