Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.