Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.