Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.