Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.