Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Most stick people are black.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."