Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.