Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."