Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.