Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.