Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.