Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I love Steven Wright.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.