Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.