Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.