Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Most stick people are black.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.