Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.