Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.