Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?