Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29
The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".