Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

Most stick people are black.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.