Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.