Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.