Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.