Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.