Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'