Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 31

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.