Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 31

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.