Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 31
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.