Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 31

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.