Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 31

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.