Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 32
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.