Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 32
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.
I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.