Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

People only have so much attention.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.