Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

People only have so much attention.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.