Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

People only have so much attention.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.