Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.
To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.
I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.