Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

People only have so much attention.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.