Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.
I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.