Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.

I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.