Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.
To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.
I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.