Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 34

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

People only have so much attention.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is "Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too."

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

Regarding the marching band: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.