Doug Stanhope Quotes and Jokes

305 quotes

They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish... then he has to get a fishing license. But he doesn't have any money, so he has to get a job and enter the social security system. And he has to file taxes, and you're gonna audit the poor son of a bitch because he's not really good at math. You pull the IRS van up to his house and take everything. You take his velvet Elvis and his toothbrush and it all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on him because he forgot to carry the 1. All because he wanted to eat a fish, and he couldn't even cook the fish because you need a permit for an open flame.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.

Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and rooting for the house.

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.

'Raising awareness' is another form of doing nothing!

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

The only true freedom that you find is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked. And then you are free to float around the system.

Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.

If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together? It's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

'I'm against abortion, except like in cases of rape.' That's like saying, 'yes, a fetus is a human being, unless his dad is an asshole.'