Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 12

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!

If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?

My audience scares the shit out of me.

My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.

My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.