Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.
You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.
"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.