Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.
Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.