Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 13

My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.

Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.

You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!

Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.