Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 20

I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.

I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

If you ever apologize to a heckler again I will rape you.

I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.