Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 20
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.
I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.
The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I should see a woman this time because I saw a man last time.' It's hard to have blanket opinions.
People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do… which sucked a lot.
My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.