Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
New York is baffling in the [sense that] it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”