Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”
I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.