Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19
I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.
I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.