Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 19
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Humor is something men have to develop when they don’t have other skills to attract women. It’s a form of plumage that we’ve developed naturally as animals. Women don’t have to do that. You never hear a guy say, “Yeah, the first thing I want in a woman is that she’s gotta be funny.” Women aren’t funny as a rule. It’s just far more rare.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.