Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 7

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?

With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.

Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Fuck that. If it's stupid, change it... If it's a dumb law, don't have it.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.

This country is a big bloated celebrity that thinks it doesn't have to pay the cover charge.

When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.

I hate Sarah Palin in the same way I hate a book by its cover. It's her pandering, Fifties sitcom character persona. It is nothing to do with what she's saying because anything those people are saying is trying to dupe the masses on some level. The fact that a personality like that could be taken as anything other than cartoonish is worrying. Like Bozo the Clown, "It's time we should all vote, kids!" and then people saying, 'You know what, that guys really got something.' It's a fucking clown with floppy shoes and you're taking him seriously?