Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 7

"Drugs support terrorism"? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.

Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.

I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."