Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 8
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.
Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.
I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.
Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...
Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.
Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not 'yeah' for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the 'federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy'. "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built." — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. — That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.
They shouldn't be able to teach religion until you're 18 years old and you know what? It'd be a whole different world because if they weren't pushing that shit into your head while it was still soft you'd never buy it.
The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.