Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 8
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.
When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.
Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...
Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.
Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.