Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 9
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.
Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.
There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.