Quotes & Jokes by Ellen DeGeneres / page 12
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up... kinda looking around going maybe kicking my knees. Looking behind me going: "That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" "Well yes I do! Thank you very much."
The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh... is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh... and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh... try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.
People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.
When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.
I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more.
The first person I learned I could make happy with laughter was my mother, whom I idolize. It was a powerful thing to realize. I knew I had found my life's work.
It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.
I think the hard thing about stand-up - I mean, I think this part is great - but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause - 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..."
I believe everything in life is energy. If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.