Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.