Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.

I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.