Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.