Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 14
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.
Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.