Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 14
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.