Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 14
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.
Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!