Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 14

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!

Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.