Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 15

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

I understand if you want to stay home and watch me on YouTube, but it’s like incest - you’re putting convenience over quality.

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.