George Burns Quotes and Jokes

104 quotes

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.