George Burns Quotes and Jokes


Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.